Fucking up your CV is a hard skill to master completely, but don’t worry… we’re here to help.
Basic CV Information
First things first, you gotta spell your name wrong. This sets the tone from the get go, and is essential for making a powerful first impression. If you’re struggling for inspiration, literally just sound it out. George becomes Jorge and Luke becomes Lewk. Level this up with spelling it in at least 3 different ways throughout your entire CV, just to keep ‘em guessing.
Designing one’s Curriculum Vitae
Now onto design – a great place to truly showcase your lack of creative ability. Don’t hesitate to mix and match fonts, cApiTaL LeTtErs, colours, and formatting. The aim is to make this bad boy unreadable. Hit them with some classic Wingdings font types or maybe even emojis? For example, My previous experience includes 😴💩🤬👽.
Lots of companies now ask for your social media handles when applying for jobs – an easy opportunity to score some own goals. In the lead up to submitting your CV, bombard your Instagram and Twitter with the most inappropriate photos you can find. Passed out after a heavy night with your head in a bin wearing nothing but a banana costume? Perfect. Footage of you attempting to sing ‘My Heart Will Go On’ so horribly it made people unfriend you in real life? *chef’s kiss*. For a touch of added pizzazz, provide links (in full URL format) to this amazing content from your personal socials to make doubly sure the people hiring you can see you in true form.
Listing your Experience
Now, you may have heard in the past to only list relevant experience on your CV, keeping it short and sweet.. This is a myth. Long and mind-numbingly dull is the way to go. Think big paragraphs and forget about grammar. Any old retail or service jobs you’ve had are perfect to include here. Worked in a cafe for 2 weeks when you were 16 before you got fired? Stick it in, and make sure to go into fine detail about why you were fired and how much you hated interacting with people. Even better, try linking your bang average waiting skills to customer service – always a good laugh. Any relevant experience can be swapped out for a far more interesting paragraph about why you think all birds are actually battery-operated government spies. Trust me, they’ll want to know.
Skills? Good joke.
Enough of the fluff though – let’s talk skills. Contrary to popular belief, linking experience to skills on your CV is super easy, the trick here is to remove all context from everything you’ve done. Social Sec for the Quidditch Society? Writing ‘Pissed Quidditch’ is bound to get attention. Work experience at your dad’s firm? Go into as much detail as you can about the envelope you licked for a client and the responsibility that came with those astonishing interpersonal skills. Give that turd a jolly good polish. And if either of those haven’t already done the trick, tell them you speak intermediate level spanish. Fuck it, why not?
Links to your work? lol
It’s becoming common through the rise of online job applications, to include hyperlinks to your previous work within your CV, and this should be no different with your application. Oh, except we obviously won’t be linking to your portfolio website or published articles, instead every link should take the recruiter directly to the YouTube video: Shrek but every time he takes a step it gets 5% faster. Honestly, the best 9 minutes and 33 seconds of your life. Under no circumstance, ever, should you check the accuracy of your links either. Total waste of time.
Timing is key
In order to round off a truly crap document, let’s play a little game. In the same way that you might stand at a petrol pump trying to get the 4 litres of petrol you can’t afford as close to £5.00 as possible, try sitting by a clock and see just how close to the submission deadline you can get before uploading your CV. Bonus points if you upload the wrong doc altogether.
If you haven’t quite managed to achieve all of the above, and you’d instead like to leave it to the professionals, we offer a full CV analysis and review as part of our Employability Analysis Service. For more information on what other services we can provide, connect with one of the team on Linkedin and let us know you’re interested, we promise you’re in good hands…
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