If you want to fuck up your job interview, there’s a couple of steps you’re going to need to really commit to.
What to wear
When deciding what to wear for fucking up your job interview, casual is key. I’d suggest ripped and dirty clothing, possibly even a garish bucket hat and crocs to really make a statement. The aim here is to create shock and – if you’re lucky – disgust, so maybe skip the deodorant and brushing your teeth too.
Preparation is key
First of all, it’s crucial you do absolutely no prior research for your job interview. No LinkedIn, no looking at the company website or their social medias. Be completely unprepared and make sure this comes across when you speak to the interviewers. Drop in a couple of fun questions like “what’s the company called again?” or even “who the fuck are you?” to really cement the seeds of doubt in their minds.
Another great tactic for making the wrong impression is to be at least 30 minutes late. The longer the better really, make it into a challenge with your mates and see who can go the longest time before showing up. You can even set yourself goals and beat your personal best…
When you do eventually show up (if you decide to at all), make sure you sneeze directly into your palm before you shake hands with the interviewer. Take it from me, this is a real power move, especially when combined with unwavering eye contact.
Experience & Hobbies
There’s a good chance they might ask you to tell them about any previous work experience and, if they do, you really want to keep statements short and vague. This not only creates a sense of mystery, but it’s extremely effective at hiding how little personal development you’ve experienced in your life. Even better, avoid words completely and demonstrate your grasp on linguistics through mumbles and clucking noises instead. If you can see the interviewer beginning to sweat under the pressure of keeping the conversation flowing and glance nervously at their colleagues, GREAT! You’re going in the right direction.
Furthermore, if asked about your hobbies or personal life, now is an ideal time to really offload the shit – just make sure you provide absolutely no context to them. Perhaps you enjoy drinking coffee or even brewing your own? Shouting ‘HOT BEVERAGES’ is perfect here. Team sports your thing? Give them some trash talk, really try and get into their head. Maybe you enjoy flicking your dog’s poo into next door’s garden? Can’t prove it without showing them pictures. You can even get creative and make some up, maybe you’re fluent in spanish, have 3 different degrees or are highly skilled in Microsoft Office… the more unrealistic the better.
Another top tip is to keep your phone switched on, at full volume and on the table face up in front of you. Whatsapp group chats with loud notifications are strongly encouraged here. Feel free to answer any calls you receive whilst you’re in the interview, especially when the interviewer is talking to you. If you really want to take the piss, start a Facebook live of how it’s going so far.
To close things out nicely, let your hand droop into theirs and giggle when they try and shake it. Make sure to leave without saying goodbye, and delete your email account after so you never hear from them again. Good luck! (Or not).
If you’re looking to prepare for an interview and need some help, connect with our founder George on Linkedin and ask for some help – he runs regular one to one coaching sessions to help you nail your interviews.
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